Thursday, June 4, 2015

Beans Doom

I ate beans for lunch today because that's all I had in the cupboard. I thought my housemates would be well away at badminton when the inevitable woodwinds section chimed in. 

They decided not to go. I am full of the vapours.


Thursday, May 21, 2015

Vague Impending Doom

There's nothing like have an anxiety problem where you sometimes have this feeling of vague impending DOOM.

There's no reason for it.  It's just there.

'Cause what's worse about being anxious about something?


It's really hard to reason yourself out of being anxious when you don't even know why you're anxious.  Just sayin'...

And then I start worrying about the anxiety.  It just keeps building on itself like a snowball rolling down a mountain. The chest pain starts, the shallow breathing, etc...  The physical symptoms make the anxiety even worse because then I start worrying about having a  heart attack.  It's my body's way of saying, "I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT...MWAHAHA".  I'm positive my body laughs at me in a evil manner all the freakin' time.

Now on top of feeling something bad is going to happen, I'm dealing with worrying that I'm going to have a heart attack.

I give up.

Ativan, take me away.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

If I'm naked, you could lose a leg Doom

I think I'm going to have to make this The Weekly Doom because it's just to damn hard to come up with one every day.  As you can see I've been struggling to write lately.

So, I've covered stair doom before...falling down stairs.  Pretty straightforward, right?

Well this one is a little different.

What if one of my housemates is coming down the stairs while I'm getting dressed and BAM a stair breaks under their leg.  They'd fall through the stair and beak their leg.  They'd be yelling for help and possibly be bleeding out.  (you never know, am I right?)

And there I'd be in the middle of putting my pants on wondering if I should just run out like that to help or take a moment to finish getting dressed before I went to help.

If I went out immediately, I would be indecent.

If I finished getting dressed, they could get angry at me or they could lose their leg, or worst case scenario, they could die stuck in the middle of the steps.

Because obviously their pain and suffering is ALL ABOUT ME.  *sigh*

I need a new brain.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Salad Dressing Doom

Here's my conundrum.

I am fat so I should eat more salad.

When I eat salad the salad dressing ALWAYS ends up on my shirt.

Salad dressing stains are a bitch to get out of shirts.

I eat less salad.

I am still fat; therefore, I should eat more salad.


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Cat Hair in the Eye Doom


What in thee hell are cat hairs made of?  Itching powder in strand form?

Have you ever gotten one of these fuckers in your eye?  If you own cats, I'm sure you have.

There's that first moment of "shoot, I've got something in my eye".  Then you start trying to get it out. You poke and poke and rub your eyeball trying to get that barely visible evil little fucker to stick to your finger so you can pull it out.  It doesn't.

And your eye is now red, watering and even more itchy.

You rub your eye some more still hopeful that you can get this piece of freakin' cat shrapnel out of your eye.

But to no avail.  It's firmly stuck in there and eventually disappears behind your eye or something because the itch is still there but you can't see it anymore.  I'm sure by now I've got enough cat hair behind my eye that my brain could cough up a hairball.

Now what's going to happen?  You can't stop rubbing your itchy eye so you accidentally tear that clear membrane on your eyeball?  All because of a freakin' cat hair.

You start calling your cats assholes (oh who am I kidding, I already do that) but at the same time you pet them and get even more cat hair on your hand which may or may not end up on your face.

And the cycle starts again.

Why do I love my cats?  Why?

I typed this with a cat hair in my left eye, by the way.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

New Shoe Doom

Everyone knows that most new shoes need to be broken in a little bit, so why do I ALWAYS forget this fact when it comes to sandals?

Last week I bought myself a new pair of sandals (cheap ones, nothing fancy) that felt very comfortable.


I wore them for a short outing on Friday and they were good.  No problems.  I thought I was free and clear to wear them for a longer outing.

Along comes Saturday and I'm out and about all day walking around in these sandals when, BA-BAM (thank you swiffer lady for giving me that expression), shoe burn hits with a vengeance.  Do you know what shoe burn is?  It's basically a friction burn on the bottoms of your feet when you break in a new pair of sandals.

And it bloody hurts.  It feels like you're rubbing the skin right off the bottoms of your feet.

My feet are still a bit tender today.

Shoe burn.  It is evil.

You'd think I'd remember by now that this happens every damn time I get a new pair of sandals.

Sometimes I just have the dumb.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

CAT Doom

Ever tried to make a bed or fold laundry or for that matter DO ANYTHING with a cat around????

Try 3 cats.

Yeah.  You know what I'm talking about.

They're lucky they're cute and purr in your ear.

I'm  positive they've got a secret society where they plan how to rule the humans and put dogs in their place.  At least I'm sure my cats are organized.  I think they hold staff meetings while I'm asleep.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, CATS ARE ASSHOLES.